First of all I would like to say, especially to my family, PLEASE DON'T be concerned about the things that are said in this blog. Doesn't the mere fact that I am saying I have some issues and problems and that I am aware of them and trying to fix them mean that I must have some control over them? I think it does. Writing all this is a BIG leap for me. Even now as I'm typing I'm getting all nervous about what people will think, how people will react, and how it might change how they view me. But I fear this might be the only way I can begin moving on with my life.
Before I get into the details of this blog I would like to apologize for the random tangents I might lead you on. You must know that it only took me about 30 minutes to come up with the idea for this blog and what lead me to that idea had only happened about an hour before that. So after two hours of inspiration and deep thinking I am what some may call irrationally starting a new adventure just shortly after I came up with it. However, while you're probably wondering how I'm able to be so open and blunt about my feelings and my life, I'm giving myself a pat-on-the-back, because for once I am not procrastinating.
Now for the good stuff.
When it comes down to it there are two main reasons for this blog, or at least the purpose I hope this blog will achieve. Those reasons are I became pregnant in high school and I recently lost one of my best friends. Now here's where I'm giving those of you who are uncomfortable with people being REALLY open with their lives, and their feelings, and their thoughts to make a brake for it and run, because that's exactly what this is going to be. The question of WHY? might be coming to your mind right now. Why be so open? Why be so honest? Why share some of your most personal feelings with others? And the answer is... fankly, because I feel I need to. I constantly have millions and millions of thoughts running around in my head. I assume most of you do too, but I don't know for sure. I have a problem with assuming what people are thinking or saying or meaning, because I just think of how I would handle that situation or how I think most people would handle the situation and then apply it to them. But my problem is I really don't know what anyone else is thinking. (By the way I am quite happy about that. It would be weird to be a mind reader and I think I would find out A LOT of things I NEVER wanted to know.) So I'm hoping to get some feedback every now and then again. But I will state again, no over exaggerated concerns for me (Mom and sisters, I'm thinking about you when I say that.) I've kept myself in a shell because I don't want people getting freaked out and bugging me all the time about it. I'm being open and honest about it now, so don't worry about it later.
To help you understand what I am talking about I feel I need to add some explanations. The first one is about me. I am the type of person who can be very guarded. This can be a bad thing, but I don't know how to work around it. It's who I am. And with being guarded sometimes I have a hard time with deep feelings, mine and other peoples. So please don't be offended if I don't say the right thing in a deep converstation; as you can probably already tell, I'm awful with words (spelling them, saying them, putting them together correctly in a sentence,...).
The second thing is my best friend who passed away. Kathleen Santos. Born on Oct. 27, 1989 Died Oct. 1, 2011. I've really had a hard time since she left, but I don't like letting other people know, but at the exact same time I want everyone to know. These feelings have confused me a lot. I don't want people to know the days when I'm a big mess, but then at the same time I do. I feel it would be easier AND harder if they knew. And this is where the true purpose, the core of this blog, comes from. Since Kathleen has passed away I lost the one person I feel I can trust with my feelings, besides my husband. I didn't realize how she helped me get through so much. I could tell her exactly how I was feeling and my thoughts and she NEVER judged. She would listen, sometimes give advice and feedback, but mainly just listen. I knew she knew how I felt, but she never did anything crazy like call my Mom and tell her how worried she was about me. She knew, but then next time I saw Kathleen it wouldn't come up unless I said something about it. It was great to have someone to talk to, who wouldn't judge, who would listen, give advice if I asked for it, and then move on to what just happened on Glee, or something nonimportant like that. I feel so selfish in saying it, but that's one of the things I miss most about Kathleen.
So since then I have kept most of my feelings all bottled up inside me and sometimes I explode, but the feelings aren't what come out. What does come out is either me hiding away from the world in my room, even when my entire family is over, or I get cranky and short with those around me because I'm so frustrated. I know neither one is a good way to handle it, so I'm trying this.
So since then I have kept most of my feelings all bottled up inside me and sometimes I explode, but the feelings aren't what come out. What does come out is either me hiding away from the world in my room, even when my entire family is over, or I get cranky and short with those around me because I'm so frustrated. I know neither one is a good way to handle it, so I'm trying this.
I know sometimes I can be repitive or go the long way about getting things out, sorry that is just my style. But for those who got lost along the way to this point, I will sum up the big purpose of this blog.
It is to hopefully find out that I am not alone in my feelings, or to find out I am alone and then move on with it. And I am trying to tear down those awkward walls around me and not be afraid to let people know who I really am.
I will express things I'm struggling with or something cool I just found or whatever, and hopefully you guys will give some positive non-judgemental feedback. I don't forsee most of my posts being this deep. I just felt I needed to start out like this so you can get some back ground of me, and hopefully understand me a little better.
Thanks for Listening!
P.S. I hope I have offended no one, and if I have I am sorry. I don't mean to make those of you who are an active part of my life feel bad. I know I've been weird lately and hopefully this will help you understand why. I'm trying to be honest and open, and I hope you will accept that and forgive me for the wrongs I have done to you.
I will express things I'm struggling with or something cool I just found or whatever, and hopefully you guys will give some positive non-judgemental feedback. I don't forsee most of my posts being this deep. I just felt I needed to start out like this so you can get some back ground of me, and hopefully understand me a little better.
Thanks for Listening!
P.S. I hope I have offended no one, and if I have I am sorry. I don't mean to make those of you who are an active part of my life feel bad. I know I've been weird lately and hopefully this will help you understand why. I'm trying to be honest and open, and I hope you will accept that and forgive me for the wrongs I have done to you.
