Who I Am

I love superheros(not a die hard fan full of knowledge, but I like watching some of their T.V. series). I love adding my extra thoughts in paranthesis. I love Polly Pockets (especially the originals). I love Gilmore Girls (no matter what I'm going through I find it very theraputic). I like Harry Potter. I hate Ben Stiller. Politics upset me too much to get too informed about it (Ignorant I know, but I can't help it, I'm just happier staying out of it). I am a Mormon (member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints). I have a testimony of Heavnely Father and his plan for us. I have a testimony of our Savior Jesus Christ and everything He did for us. I love Christmas. I love pinterest. I love finding new ideas. I wish I was athletic but I'm not. I love my red hair. I love oldies music. I love puzzles. I love being inspired and motivated. I can get excited about new fun ideas really easily, and then sometimes my ideas get a little too big and complicated. I love dancing and wished I was better at it. I love jumping on the trampoline. I dont' like confrontation, but lately have felt the need to really speak my mind, even though I usually know that's not a good idea and it's not polite all the time to say what I'm really thinking. I want more than anything to be a better person and follow the teachings of Jesus so that I can return home to my Heavenly Father. I get frustrated if I feel people aren't really listening to what I'm saying. I usually can't control myself around sugar and eat it just because it's there (like sweets and such). I love pizza. I don't like change to food that I already really enjoy. I wish I like more foods. I want to travel and am scared to all at the same time. I hate scary movies and have a major fear of ghosts (it's so bad if you tease me I REALLY don't find it funny and will have a hard time sleeping the next few nights if the teasing invovles ghost stories). I want to be me but feel entraped by something, and I think that something is me. I'm holding myself back, but by doing this (writing all this) I'm trying to set myself free. You might think it is weird, but I'm just trying really hard to not care. If I want to be liked, I have to first be honest with myself about who I am and then like her.

Even as I thought about putting some of this on Facebook, so people can really know who I am, I thought about what they might say, and if I ran into some of them how I might act, and I figured I would act sheepish and embarrassed. How lame is that?!

To be me for me or someone for them...

 I want to be someone that everyone likes. I want to be someone that people enjoy having around. I want to be someone who is easily missed (if I'm not present).

Sometimes I feel I try a little to hard at this. So hard in fact that I'm not even really sure who me is. What is my personality really like. To answer honestly, I don't know. I really don't. If someone is around and I want to impress them in some way or notice me, I act differently. For example if I were to be somewhere and I ran into an old friend from high school, I would be annoyingly aware that they are there and therefore try to act an a manner that will impress them, make them think highly of me, and like me. With each person I'm with I mold to what I think they like. I am now finding this very annoying.

I feel like I have a hard time making friends and making it last. For the most part I think it is my fault. I feel like I must be doing something wrong to make them not like me and want to be around me. When I look back at my high school days and I think I can start to see what it was that people didn't like about me. Even now I think part of it is that I'm so fake. People can tell I'm not really being myself. But in actuality, at least in one way I am. I try to think about what's the socially acceptable way to talk to people and how to handle situations, and then I try to combine that with how I really feel. This is how I look at almost all the situations I'm in. If I get too nervous I act weird trying to overcompensate for my lack in confidence. I don't know how to relax and just be me... Melia. I feel I am closest to it when I'm with Spencer and when I was with Kathleen. But even then, sometimes it didn't feel right, but I think the biggest thing was is that I didn't feel exciting enough.

I almost always hate talking to Spencer when he's on an overnight trip with his team. I miss him so much, and usually it's a day that has been kinda hard for me. So all I want to do is talk to him about it. I keep thinking to myself, "I really need to talk to Spencer. If only Spencer were here. I just want to talk to Spencer, to have someone understand me." But then it takes me a REALLY long time to get a hold of him. And I umderstand he's with the team and is busy doing stuff. But I can't help to think that while he's out there doing that, I'm at home just with the kids not doing much or being frustrated and feeling depressed, which in turn only makes me more frustrated and depressed. Then when I actually get to talk to him he's usually distracted, or laughing about something that's going on there, and he usually goes back and forth from talking to me to talking to his teammates. And then I can almost always hear his team in the backround laughing and having a good time. While all this is happening I'm only growing more frustrated and depressed. I just keep thinking,

"He's having so much fun with them, being young and silly and laughing, while I'm here being a depressed young bitty. I just want to be full of life and exciting for him to talk to, but instead all I really want to tell him is how upset I feel and how frustrated I am. But I'm not going to because I don't want to be that annoying depressed person. Why does he want to talk to me? I'm not even close to as much fun as they are. I want to be though. I really want to be more exciting and more interesting. But I'm not and I can't seem to be. I'm just plain and boring and whiny and annoying and depressed. Why does he want to be with me? He could have been with one of them."

And so instead of saying something funny or exciting like I want to, I just sit there in silence or I sound depressed and upset. Sometimes I give in and I tell him how I feel, but it only makes me feel worse.

I want to be more and better, but I'm just not sure how to do it. I want to be the life of the party, but then I try to hard and I think I just end up being annoying. They say if you want to be more exciting then just do it. But I feel like when I try to be, I just end up looking like a fool and bugging people. I just wish I could find out who I am and then be that way with everyone. Trying to fit to other people's molds is quite tiring and extremely difficult, and utlimitly impossible. Even now as I'm writing this down I feel like if I could just brake out of my shell and be the true me all the time; saying how I really feel on facebook, pinning whatever I want to on Pinterest, saying how I really feel; that if I could do that, then I would feel a lot better. However, at the exact same time I am thinking, "But if I did that, what would people think of me? How would they react? Would they agree with my stuff or find it stupid?"

Do you know that I only put stuff up on facebook that I think people are going to really like and that will get lots of comments. I choose the best photos, I think about what I'm going to put as my status for a really long time, mulling over the possible things people might say to it. I posted something last night about what I did that day and I said I was watching Annie; I was really nervous about it the whole time until I checked my page and saw how many people liked my status. I thought people were going to say things about watching Annie with my kids and how there are inappropiate things in it, and such.

I really do care too much about what other people think of me, and I want to stop it. I know I would be happier if I did, but I just can't seem to. You know what the real funny thing is, I think people would like me better if I did stop caring, and was just me... Melia.

I think it's funny and interesting that at times when I feel like this, I think it would be really theraputic if I did put on my facebook status that I'm tired of caring about what other people think and I just want to be me and say how I really feel, that I would feel a lot better. But in the end I'm too chicken to do it.

Another Fresh Start

First of all I would like to say, especially to my family, PLEASE DON'T be concerned about the things that are said in this blog. Doesn't the mere fact that I am saying I have some issues and problems and that I am aware of them and trying to fix them mean that I must have some control over them? I think it does. Writing all this is a BIG leap for me. Even now as I'm typing I'm getting all nervous about what people will think, how people will react, and how it might change how they view me. But I fear this might be the only way I can begin moving on with my life.

Before I get into the details of this blog I would like to apologize for the random tangents I might lead you on. You must know that it only took me about 30 minutes to come up with the idea for this blog and what lead me to that idea had only happened about an hour before that. So after two hours of inspiration and deep thinking I am what some may call irrationally starting a new adventure just shortly after I came up with it. However, while you're probably wondering how I'm able to be so open and blunt about my feelings and my life, I'm giving myself a pat-on-the-back, because for once I am not procrastinating.

Now for the good stuff.

When it comes down to it there are two main reasons for this blog, or at least the purpose I hope this blog will achieve. Those reasons are I became pregnant in high school and I recently lost one of my best friends. Now here's where I'm giving those of you who are uncomfortable with people being REALLY open with their lives, and their feelings, and their thoughts to make a brake for it and run, because that's exactly what this is going to be. The question of WHY? might be coming to your mind right now. Why be so open? Why be so honest? Why share some of your most personal feelings with others? And the answer is... fankly, because I feel I need to. I constantly have millions and millions of thoughts running around in my head. I assume most of you do too, but I don't know for sure. I have a problem with assuming what people are thinking or saying or meaning, because I just think of how I would handle that situation or how I think most people would handle the situation and then apply it to them. But my problem is I really don't know what anyone else is thinking. (By the way I am quite happy about that. It would be weird to be a mind reader and I think I would find out A LOT of things I NEVER wanted to know.) So I'm hoping to get some feedback every now and then again. But I will state again, no over exaggerated concerns for me (Mom and sisters, I'm thinking about you when I say that.) I've kept myself in a shell because I don't want people getting freaked out and bugging me all the time about it. I'm being open and honest about it now, so don't worry about it later.

To help you understand what I am talking about I feel I need to add some explanations. The first one is about me. I am the type of person who can be very guarded. This can be a bad thing, but I don't know how to work around it. It's who I am. And with being guarded sometimes I have a hard time with deep feelings, mine and other peoples. So please don't be offended if I don't say the right thing in a deep converstation; as you can probably already tell, I'm awful with words (spelling them, saying them, putting them together correctly in a sentence,...).

The second thing is my best friend who passed away. Kathleen Santos. Born on Oct. 27, 1989 Died Oct. 1, 2011. I've really had a hard time since she left, but I don't like letting other people know, but at the exact same time I want everyone to know. These feelings have confused me a lot. I don't want people to know the days when I'm a big mess, but then at the same time I do. I feel it would be easier AND harder if they knew. And this is where the true purpose, the core of this blog, comes from. Since Kathleen has passed away I lost the one person I feel I can trust with my feelings, besides my husband. I didn't realize how she helped me get through so much. I could tell her exactly how I was feeling and my thoughts and she NEVER judged. She would listen, sometimes give advice and feedback, but mainly just listen. I knew she knew how I felt, but she never did anything crazy like call my Mom and tell her how worried she was about me. She knew, but then next time I saw Kathleen it wouldn't come up unless I said something about it. It was great to have someone to talk to, who wouldn't judge, who would listen, give advice if I asked for it, and then move on to what just happened on Glee, or something nonimportant like that. I feel so selfish in saying it, but that's one of the things I miss most about Kathleen.
So since then I have kept most of my feelings all bottled up inside me and sometimes I explode, but the feelings aren't what come out. What does come out is either me hiding away from the world in my room, even when my entire family is over, or I get cranky and short with those around me because I'm so frustrated. I know neither one is a good way to handle it, so I'm trying this.

I know sometimes I can be repitive or go the long way about getting things out, sorry that is just my style. But for those who got lost along the way to this point, I will sum up the big purpose of this blog.

It is to hopefully find out that I am not alone in my feelings, or to find out I am alone and then move on with it. And I am trying to tear down those awkward walls around me and not be afraid to let people know who I really am.
I will express things I'm struggling with or something cool I just found or whatever, and hopefully you guys will give some positive non-judgemental feedback. I don't forsee most of my posts being this deep. I just felt I needed to start out like this so you can get some back ground of me, and hopefully understand me a little better.

Thanks for Listening!

P.S. I hope I have offended no one, and if I have I am sorry. I don't mean to make those of you who are an active part of my life feel bad. I know I've been weird lately and hopefully this will help you understand why. I'm trying to be honest and open, and I hope you will accept that and forgive me for the wrongs I have done to you.